Thursday, November 18, 2010


Some days are more trying than others.  Today was nothing special or out of the ordinary for me, but it seemed to be exceptionaly trying.  Perhaps it was the headache or the tiredness.  Not even the result of poor sleep - just tired all around - physically and emotionally.

I try not to dwell on things.  I have made a conscious decision to put my family first.  And at times I feel like I am required to make excuses for my choices - even to my friends.  My decision to care for my family is one I will not apologize for or justify.  I could make it go away with one phone call, but that is not me.

I cannot be the same person everyday.  I do not always have enough left to be happy, perky, funny, helpful or even compassionate everyday.  For those who choose to judge me on that merit - too bad.  

None of my friends or co-workers know the whole story of each day.  There are very few who I choose to share little bits with.   I figure that unless you come here and live it for awhile - do not judge me.

I find it odd that if you are caring for a sick or disabled child it is more readily accepted but it you choose to do it for a senior citizen it's questioned or judged. 

Some days this makes me bitter.  This will pass, I know.  Today I just felt the need to vent and get this off my chest.     I apologize for the depressing post.  Maybe I should have stayed off the computer tonight. But I think I feel better just putting it out there.    I will be better tomorrow.


  1. Dear Kim, I'm so sorry about you having the blues. Just think about all your blogging buddies putting their arms around you and cheering you up. A big warm hug from me.
    Honestly, when I first started to read you blog, I was in awe of your cheerfulness under such trying circumstances and I still am. I think that I would have been depressed a lot and stressed out. You always show so much love for your mom and your auntie. I hope that whoever caused you this stress will some day have a taste of what you are going through. Don't let it dampen your spirit.

    Take care, HUGS, Julia

  2. Oh Kim, can I tell you how much I admire you? On my worst day, it isn't what you go through day by day, yet you are always cheerful and upbeat.You always model grace and good will. What you do day by day just blows my mind. Every one needs a bit of time to just let your hair down and be who you are and yes, even say what is on your mind. I admire you for your courage and you show it when you have a good day and when you have a bad day.
    I feel honored that you are in my life through blogging.
    Thanks so much for sharing.
    Just keep being who you are and we will keep loving you back.

  3. Kim, you truly are an admirable person..Not many people these days would do what you are doing...feel proud that you are taking care of your Mom and Auntie as best you can and you will have no regrets later in life...I know it is difficult, especially holding down a full time job, but I do believe you are a very strong person and there is lots of love from all your bloggers...You did the right thing by sharing; we are only too happy to listen to you...Take care...

  4. Kim, you are one of the most loving and compassionate people ever.
    You are caring for not one, but two elderly family members. That is certainly not easy. Plus working. And all of you have just gotten over a bout of the flu. No wonder you are tired! No one should expect you to be constantly upbeat and cheerful. Everyone has their down days.
    You are a strong, positive person, with a wonderful sense of humor!
    Come here and vent. We love you, even on the not-so-happy days!!! HUGS!!!

  5. Kim ~
    Pat is so right. We love you even when you are having a bad day which is so few and far between. You make us laugh ~ almost daily and for that I thank you.
    I so admire you and you will never be able to look back and say "gee, I should have" or "darn, I wish I would have". Not many people are as selfless as you are. Mom and Auntie are truly blessed to have you!
    Hugs :)

  6. Dearest Kim,
    I am so impressed with the loving sisterhood of our fellow bloggers here. It is these kind words of encouragement you so need at this moment.
    All the different emotions we as caregivers have to deal with on a daily basis sometimes leaves us feeling alone and depressed. Our minds start spinning and our feelings get overwhelmed. It is times like this that we need to reveal ourselves to a loving and accepting listener.

    It's okay to have these feelings and thoughts. In revealing them it allows you to get a clearer picture of how you are coping with what's going on. You are freeing yourself from what's deeply troubling you and you are no longer alone.

    Your post is powerful. It's honest and heart felt. Only a caregiver such as yourself could put into words what we go through and deal with on a daily basis.

    Thank-you for your courage to tell it like it is. I am sending my prayers, and loving energies your way in hopes you find renewed strength and energies to continue doing the most loving thing in this world there is to do. Caring for your mom and Auntie and yourself.
    Cathy G

  7. Kim, I think it is great that you feel you can share your thoughts today with us ~ your friends! Until someone has walked in your shoes, they better not judge! Being a caregiver is hard work ~ maybe not every minute of every day, but the thought is always there in the back of your mind, 24/7. I have my 45 year old son, Tad, who is Downs Syndrome at home ~ I wouldn't have it any other way ~ he's very capable and takes care of himself ~ but in everything I do, he has to be my primary thought ~ just as your mom and Auntie are for you! Maybe you should consider sharing with your co-workers ~ it would help them see what a wonderful caring person is in their midst! There's an email that I quote often ~ Be kinder than necessary for everyone you meet is fighting a battle of their own! Your co-workers don't know of your 'battle' ~ they would surely react differently if they did! Hang in there and I'm sure I speak for those who wrote before me ~ you can vent to your blog sisters any time you want!!!!! In friendship ~ Alice

  8. Everyone has their own way of doing things.... and it bugs me when some folks make other folks feel bad because they are doing things different than them. Before their were home health aides.... nursing homes.... senior living.... etc.... their was family. That's who took care of their elderly... their younger family.

  9. You are entitled to a down day,week,month or year. Lack of sleep will make things seem more over whelming. Give yourself permission to have this down time. A good vent or cry helps to relieve pressure. Only you get to choose how to spend your days does it matter what other people say? I am truly tired of gossip and eye rolling. this is between you and your family. Here is to a better day, the sun is shining here and the frost is on the pumpkin. And get some nice solid sleep if you can it helps.
    a big hug

  10. Dear Kim

    I think one of the things I like about our group of blogging friends, is the authenticity of the feelings shared. As I just passed by your neck of the woods, looking out at the Tantramar Marshes, I thought of you and your challenges in life. I am back in NL after a couple of weeks with my mother and I too, always come by with mixed feelings and alot of emotion. It is very hard to leave her there and I try to think of how it is her choice.

    Your Mom doesn't have a choice, she has this terrible disease which has robbed her of her ability to make choices for herself. You are her protector, her daughter, and that gives you permission to care for her in your own way.

    Blessings to you and your family and hopefully, one day, I will be able to give you a hug in person but for now, this will do.

  11. Kim, I so admire what you are doing. I am a older citizen and I sometimes think that many people forget that they will also get old. I know that it is hard to take care of us since we are all set in our ways. I so admire what you are doing. I know that you are a stronger person than many would be under the circumstances. I am glad that you chose to vent on your blog, remember if you get sick mentally or physically, it could be disaster. We all love you and are on your team - ignore the "nay sayers." You have lots of support out here in blog land.
    (Moments in Time)

  12. I cannot thank all of you enough for the wonderful words of support.
    Big Hugs, Kim

  13. I live with and provide 24/7 care for my dad, I know exactly what you mean. It's frustrating when people say things like, "Why isn't he in assisted living or a nursing home". They don't understand when you can't go do 'fun' things with them. My parents sacrificed for me and my three brothers and because of them we are all who we are and where we are today. I WILL do everything in my power to do what is right for and best for my dad and that is NOT being shoved off in some 'home'. I know someday, down the road, I will be so grateful that I have made these sacrifices now.
    I'm GLAD you 'vented' with your blog friends!!!

  14. Kim, I too would have taken on the role as you have done. My parents do not live with me however, I devote two days per week running their errands, doctors appointments, etc. I wouldn't have it any other way. I applaud your commitment, keep your chin held high, no one sould judge a person until "they have walked a mile in their shoes." Blessings~